No hair was injured in the retelling of this tale, but it was sniffed.

Dating.

It sucks.

Playing with enlarged donkey balls just might be slightly more enjoyable.

Slightly.

So, as some of you already know, my "ohmygodiamsonervousiamgoingtopuke" date, did not go so well.

Honestly, I am so fucking glad I didn't bother shaving.

This creep deserved to see hairy me.

Seriously.

Now to break down the date in detail won't take long.  It lasted all of forty minutes.

Yeah.

40

We meet, order food, sit and the awkward silence begins.

I hate small talk more than I hate STD's so I take the bull by the horns and start talking.

I ask questions, try to be charming and funny while still just being me.

                                            side note:  this isn't as easy as one would think.  I'm nervous and sweaty.

I notice that he's staring at me.  Not like I have a third eye, but like he's known me for years and is finally admitting his undying love for me.  

I'm starting to feel even more nervous.  I don't even know this guys last name.  He has no right to think he can look at me that way.

He isn't saying much, and he's giving one word answers.

My spidey senses are starting to tingle.

He then asks me if I hold hands on the first date, while gently grabbing my hand.

uh....wha?

At this point I'm thinking two things simultaneously.

1. I have been on exactly 2 first dates in the last 13 years.  Perhaps I missed a memo, or I'm just feeling weird because I'm out of practice.

2. This dude is trying to be mack...and he ain't.

The staring continues while he asks me to take a drive with him.

HA!  Really? 

So as nice as possible, I tell him that I am not comfortable with that since we are essentially strangers, and that perhaps we can get to know each other before driving off into the sunset together.

I'm really trying to give him the benefit of the doubt here.  I mean, we can't all be comfortable and confident.  I'm not so why should I expect him to be?

That's when he asks me, "Is that your natural hair color?"

Um...no.  

He nods and keeps staring, while his thumb is doing circles on my hand.

Spidey senses are in full gear now.

Then he cinches the deal by asking me the weirdest fucking question I have ever been asked.

"Can I smell your hair?"

The fuck?

Remember the guy who asked me if I was into fisting?  Yeah.  He's feeling like my best friend right now.  At least with him (and despite that question) I NEVER ONCE felt creeped out by him.  He might have been odd, but he never undressed me with his eyes, nor did he hint that he wanted to know if the carpet matched the drapes.

*shudder*

Needless to say he got very frustrated and annoyed that I wouldn't drive off with him to show him my goodies.  He ended the date by standing and saying, "I'd offer to walk you to your car, but I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable." and walked out the door.

Yeah dude.  That ship sailed about 20 minutes ago.

I chuckled to myself, sipped my Pepsi and put on more lip gloss before walking to my car.

That's 40 minutes I will never get back.

But never fear faithful readers; I have not given up.  I will continue on my quest to meet new people just so I can share my fucked up stories with you.

You deserve it.

And let's be honest; you just can't make this shit up.