If you loved me...

Yeah...this.

Just some thoughts

Although I was at work today, and got a lot of work accomplished, I spent most of the day thinking about the following things: 1. Moving sucks 2. I need to call U-Haul 3. Maybe I should find a way to go back to college. 4. Do the people I love know how much they mean to me? 5. Am I living my life to the fullest? 6. I need to buy more bras 7. I need to lose weight 8. I am beautiful even if I don't 9. I give Shane and his new woman five years 10. I hope I'm a good friend. 11. Certain people just aren't worth the effort

That's "Miss Phalange" to you

I don't want to sound desperate, but I need some touch. It has been so long since I have even had the smallest amount of human intimacy, I forget what people feel like. Hugging has even become awkward; for both myself and whoever might be trying to hug me. Perhaps it's the hairy palms.

What to do now...

The phone. I stare at it. When the screen goes dark, I click the little ball in the middle to see if I have any new messages or calls. 9.9 times out of 10, there is nothing new. I placed a lot of weight on one little phone call, and that was really stupid. But that is sort of the way I work. I've never been one to 'play the field' so to speak. When I'm interested in someone that is all I see; and that is where my energy goes. If that certain someone is interested, then we spend time together and something clicks. (I mean, who goes into a relationship hoping it doesn't work out?) If they aren't, I can boo-hoo about it for a few days and then move on. Since I've had no return phone call, I have a choice to make. Do I wait a bit more...see if maybe he just needs to work up his courage? Or do I do my 'mourning' now and move on? It's a tough call; I don't want to pine over someone forever. But it sure is tough to move on when there is nothing to move on to.

The lighter side of me.

The last of the papers were filed today. I hope that is everything. If so...I will officially be divorced in no time at all. wow. I should have done this a LONG time ago. Ever since reclaiming my maiden name a few days ago I've felt different. I'm not sure if I can explain it exactly. But it feels like I'm me again. As if I had been pretending to be someone else for the last few years and now I'm not anymore. I remember filling out the papers for the first time, last year. I cried and I couldn't stop. I was so incredibly sad that it was becoming final. And now I feel somehow lighter. I like it. No...I love it. I've been through a lot in the past few years. My marriage fell apart. I went back to work. I put my son into daycare (UGH!!). My grandmother passed away. I've had to make all new friends. And it's been quite lonely. But I'm fairly certain that I survived because, well because I'm awesome. Always have been. So bring it on life...I can take whatever you send my way.

In which I throw the book at someone...

Is there a rule book for dating?
When you call once, can you call back?
Do you wait for them to call?
Do you pass him a note in study hall asking him to check yes or no?
Ugh!!
THIS I do not miss.
At.
All.
I don't like playing games. I can't hold shit in...it makes me gassy.
If I followed my instincts tonight, I would call him back and ask him what his fucking problem is.

So why haven't you called me back yet?

Um...

What? I'm not good enough for you?

Well...

You're loss buck-o. I'm fucking awesome.

I... You...uh...

STUTTER MUCH?
*click*

Yeah. I'm thinking my instincts are just a bit off.

EDIT: As a friend pointed out to me tonight, I am making this person look like a bad guy. When in fact I do NOT think of him as such. He is a very nice person and if I really thought he was an ass, I would have never called him in the first place. There is something about him that I can't quite put my finger on, but I like it. It makes me want to know even more about him. And I realized something else tonight. For a very long time I've been a supremely angry bitch, especially toward men. Some might say that I had a right to be that angry. But to be honest, I don't like that part of me. And it has been really hard to let go of that anger that seems to have held me afloat for so long. Whatever this guy has, you know the thing I can't put my finger on? It makes me want to be nice again. And even IF he isn't interested in pursuing a possible romantic relationship with me...I would be very lucky to keep him around as a friend. Yeah...he's that nice.

Fear Storm

I'm fucked up. And thanks to a few of my very honest and caring friends, I have been reminded that not only am I fucked up, but I am also very strong. I know this. I've always been the one who wasn't afraid to take risks, and say what was on my mind. But there in lies the rub. I was afraid. What I forgot was that even though I've always been afraid, I never let that stop me. Something happened to me when my marriage fell apart. It hurt like a motherfucker. And I let that hurt turn into fear and I'm letting that fear paralyze me. I'm afraid to make decisions on my own. Because I'm afraid it's going to be the wrong one. You see... I waited to get married. All of my close friends (at the time) were long married and were into raising their kids, buying campers and boats, watching NASCAR and taking trips to the beach. And while they were harping on me about being too picky, I waited. Until I found the right man. I was going to get married, have at least two children, and live ever after. But I got lost in that dream, and I forgot that it wasn't just me on the ride. I forgot that someone else's decisions were tied to my destiny. And finding out that the man I chose to spend my life with didn't want me, hurt like a bitch. And that is when I lost something. I thought I was mourning the loss of my family, the loss of my 'perfect-for-me' man. But I was mourning something more. I was grieving over the loss of something inside of me. My confidence was shot to shit. I felt like a complete failure. I had made one of the biggest decisions of my life and it turned out to be the wrong one. He wasn't my forever-after. And somehow...that's okay. Now yesterday I got myself all worked up about asking out a boy. I had this picture painted in my head of him saying things like, "Fuck no bitch, I wouldn't touch you with a ten foot pole." or "No thank you, I don't date fatties." or my favorite "I love you but I just don't want you." What the fuck? I had myself worked into a frenzy before I even worked up the courage to ask him if he wanted to hang. TO HANG!!! That's right. I wasn't asking him to marry me, or to be my baby daddy. I just wanted to hang out with him; get to know him. But that damn fear stepped in the way and made me look a fool. I did end up calling him and leaving a message, but I honestly can't remember what I said. He probably thinks I'm a complete nut job; and that's okay too. Because I remembered something. I am Jennifer...and I can do anything I set my mind to. I know that...I've always known that. Now, lets hope that this 'not baby daddy' guy is nice enough to either say "sure, let's hang" or at the very least...let me down nice and easy.

Let's use our descriptive words and stop asking questions.

What is the first word you think of when someone asks you what Jennifer Plonk is like? I'd like to think some of the choices are; brave, independent, free-thinking, strong...ya know, the truth. But there are a few other words that run through MY brain when I think about the type of person I am. Words like; scared, coward, petrified, nervous, anxious, chicken-shit. Sure, I talk a big game, but when it comes down to it...there are things in this world that scare the fuck out of me. One of them being, men. I've never been very good at the whole 'game' of dating. It's all pretty silly if you ask me, and it has always made my head spin. When I got married my brain stopped thinking about all of those things because in my mind, I was done. Shane and I were supposed to live our lives together in blissful oblivion. But that plan didn't work out so well. So now I'm a 37 year old, overweight, single mother who is completely freaked out by the idea of dating someone again. It's not just the fear of hearing a man say no, or the fear of a first date that scares me. It's being vulnerable, getting to know someone all over again, falling in love and then having them realize that I wasn't what they wanted and feeling my heart break, yet again. I'm not that strong. Yet there is this guy. He's cute, smart and most importantly funny. He makes me laugh, think and secretly stare at his face. I don't know much about him...just the basics. But for the first time in a very long time, I want to. And I'm terrified. My brain keeps saying that stupid question "what if" over and over again. What if he doesn't like me like that? What if he thinks I'm fat? What if he thinks I'm not interesting? What if he thinks I'm stupid? What if I never find out the answer to any of those questions because I'm too chicken-shit to ask?

It's only been eight years...

and this never gets boring. Happy Birthday Bug!

Life is patiently waiting for me

33 days until I move. !! HOLY SHIT! I am so not ready. You'd think by now I'd have moving down to a science. I've moved so many damn times that I could probably go into the moving business and rake in the big bucks. NOT counting the few times I moved before I turned 10 and was able to help packing, I have moved 12 times. Once to Florida and back (on my own, mind you) and once with only one person to help me (suck it fuckers who claimed to be my friend). I KNOW I have to change my address, arrange for my utilities to be turned off, turned back on in the new place, give notice to my current landlord, and don't forget actually packing up my shit. But I just have no energy or concern to do it. True story: In 199something, my friends were helping me move. I had little to nothing packed so they took it upon themselves to throw my shit in boxes. Except one person who decided it would be more efficient to chuck my shit out of my bedroom window. Do you know what it feels like to see your purple G-string go sailing through the air in front of an audience? I do. David Apple...I know where you live and paybacks are a bitch. Sure it's been over 20 years, but I'm just biding my time. HA! But something feels different about this move. I'm not just moving my things, I'm moving foward. This isn't just a sudden revelation; it's something I've been feeling for quite some time. So yes, my stuff might be in a shambles right now. Yes, my life is in turmoil (what's new). And yes, I'm moving back into what used to be the home I shared with my ex-husband. But I'm moving on.

You are most certainly not my mother

I'm at work right now, on my 10 minute, legalally and rightfully mine. I don't usually blog at work but I need to get this off of my chest. The woman who gave birth to me might not have been my mother. But I had a wonderful, beautiful, talented, smart, amazing, brave, hard-working woman in my life who raised as if I were her daughter. She was my grandmother. She taught me right from wrong; how to own up to my mistakes; how to apologize; how to say no; how to balance a checkbook WITHOUT using a calculator; how to cook; how to take joy in the simple things; and most importantly...how to love. She never put me down or called me names. She might not have said the words, "I love you" everyday but I knew she loved me fiercely. She trusted my decisions and didn't judge me even if some of those decisions were risky. She cared that I was happy and was proud of me no matter what. Let me tell you with the utmost of assuredness: SHE WOULDN'T HAVE HOUNDED ME ABOUT MY DAMN RETAINER, SO GET THE FUCK OFF MY BACK, BITCH! *sigh* Even though I did say this to the person in question...it felt good to 'yell' it.

For your reading pleasure...

I bring you Pieces/part 2. http://iamplonk.blogspot.com/2011/03/piecespart-2.html Please forgive the format. I'm playing around but I don't have it quite right yet. Bare with me.

Ta-da!

Link to awesomness. *note: see the name?

Would you visit another?

I did a little more research today. It appears that if I want to attach a pdf file to my blog I will need to download/upload to a host site so that I can basically attach a link. Mommy is poor and I can't afford to buy said software/service so... My question to my loyal readers. Would you be willing to click on another blog (owned and operated by yours truly) to read my 'writing'? Let me know in the comments below. (Yes Lisa you might have to actually comment HERE and not on Facebook!)

Happy to see you again...

Since I posted a tidbit of my work 'Pieces', I have felt compelled to re-visit the world of Valerie and Jack. And I couldn't be happier that I did. I think things are about to get interesting, and I can't WAIT to see where things go now.

In which I am Godly...

Seven followers. I believe that is enough to consider this blog a cult. Repeat after me:

• I am your leader.
• You will follow me to the ends of the earth.
• Worship me.

Now break for Kool-aid.