Christmas Eve

This is hard. Too damn hard if you ask me. Shane picked up Ryan today and brought him over tonight. We all hung out and ate dinner, watched some t.v., and got ready for Santa. But then Shane left. He just left. No, "this is hard", "I miss you"...nothing. It makes it worse. Like he doesn't feel anything, like he never did. And that makes me feel stupid for making the mistake of letting him in, in the first place. I just can't understand how you can say you love someone for life and then just not. How that promise means so little. I made a promise to love Shane forever so I stopped imagining my life with anyone else. I promised to raise a family with him and no one else, so how can I imagine life without sharing it with him? And it's not like he's ever going to tell me any of the answers I feel I need. So it's all left unsaid. Undone. Unfelt. Yet he can open up to others. How can you NOT share things with the one person who you claim made you the happiest you had ever been? How can you not want to spend your life with your best friend? How? Why?

That time of year

I never was good at dealing with the Holidays. I always felt "blue" and it usually lasted until at least mid January. That was alleviated when I met Shane in ways that I can't even begin to explain. Finding someone who made me feel 100% comfortable with being myself alleviated a lot of pain for me.

And now that our marriage is ending I'm faced with searching for a new way to alleviate that pain...but the answers won't be found this soon. So instead I'm focusing my energies on making Christmas as great as I can for Ryan without busting the purse strings.

We decorated the Christmas tree tonight. It wasn't easy...this is the first time in 9 years that I'm doing it without Shane, but at least I had my little man to help. One thing that REALLY made it hard...well it seems kind of silly. Christmas is hard for me for another reason. On Christmas day, 2001 I had a miscarriage. Well my step-mom bought me this cute ornament of a papa bear and preggers mama bear for me that year.

I still put it up because it's a lovely way for me to remember that little life. But it's not easy. Ryan asked me about it for the first time. I told him that I was pregnant once before he was born. He was genuinly sad and tried to comfort me. It was the sweetest moment...I wish I could bottle it and relive it over and over. Well I hung it up and that was that. But there was another ornament that was Shane's that always brought a smile to my face after that little bit of bittersweet pain. He has this ornament of a sitting Santa with the strangest expression on it's face. From the first time I saw it I almost peed myself laughing. But I didn't have it to look at this year. I know it's silly but it made me sad.

I also have this beautiful ornament that my step-mom and dad gave to us for our first Christmas as husband and wife. I know it seems silly to keep putting it up, but to be honest it's a very beautiful ornament. And it's not like I am in a new relationship where by sig. other would find it inappropriate so dammit, I put it up. Besides, Ryan really likes looking at it so what's the harm? Well it didn't exactly help me feel in the Christmas spirit but as soon as I saw my little man light up, it made it worth it.

Ryan had a GREAT time decorating the tree...so much that we took some silly pics of us decorated just like a tree.

Besides, it wasn't near enough garland for the tree so it looked much better on us...LOL

I know this year isn't going to be easy but we'll make it work.

The beginning of the end...

I started working on the papers for my divorce. I found a website that offers the proper forms and guides you through filling them out. Basically Shane and I would be representing ourselves...we sign in front of a notary and file the papers with the court on our own. We have to file no-contest which I'm okay with. It has been such a long journey and to be honest I'm tired; I just want it over with. Part of me wishes I had the strength to keep waiting for him to be the husband I married. But I deserve so much better than that. What makes this even harder is knowing how happy we were. And I know that it is that time, that man that I am grieving over right now. Sometimes I flash back to some wonderful memories of us on our first vacation to Florida, the first time he made me giggle until it hurt, the first time we cried together...and for a few moments I smile because it truly is a great memory. But than I realize that I'll never have that again with him and it's all I can do to hold back the tears. I remember telling him that I was pregnant, the first time we both held Ryan, and again I'm smiling, until I realize that I'll never have the family that Shane and I planned for, wished for and dreamed about. I know that someday I'll feel better. Some day I'll be able to reminisce and not cry. But right now it hurts like hell, even though I know it's what is best for me. And even though I don't have to, I truly do wish nothing but the best for Shane. I hope that he figures out how to be a better man to himself and to whatever woman he might find in the future. I know he hasn't shown it for quite awhile, but there is, inside of him, a wonderful man waiting to be seen again. And if he can just see what I see in him, he's going to make some woman very happy someday. Just like I will find the strong woman in me again and make some man very happy, someday. Someday.

Thankful

I just have to say that I am so thankful for my job. I am so thankful for my job. I am so thankful for my job. Each and every day I hear more stories about people being laid off and it's so scary! I honestly don't know what I'd do if I lost my job. I know I'm not Ryan's only care-taker but I just can't imagine not being able to provide for him at all.

So...you're a Christian?

So you believe in a God. Great for you. Does your God tell you to judge others who might not have the same faith as you? Does your God tell you to judge those who don't have faith at all? First, I have to say that for the most part I don't get too many people who really question my atheism. There are only a few who feel the need to save me or who actually feel sorry for me. Whatever. But there is one person in particular who has actually told me, "I can not fathom a person who does not believe in a God". I'm not sure why it bothers me...maybe it's because she is a so called Catholic who carries around her rosaries but can not stand the teachings of her church. Now I don't think that makes a bad Catholic or even a bad Christian. I, in fact welcome the questioning. But for her to judge me just because I accept NO faith is, in a nutshell, hypocritical. I don't claim to have all the answers, just as a Christian can not explain everything that is printed in the Bible. But I do know how I feel and what I believe and for me that is to a degree, sacred. Let's just clear the air. 1. I do not believe that a Diety of any form or function exists. 2. Since I do not believe in a God I can not therefore believe in Satan...remember, Lucifer was an angel at one point so to believe in him is to believe in God. 3. I do not believe that Jesus was the Son of God. Again, if I don't believe in God, how can I believe he sent his one begotten son to save humanity from it's sin. 4. I DO have the utmost respect for anyone who claims a faith for him/herself. Whether that be Christianity, Juddaism, Buddism, etc...does not matter to me. 5. I can have adult conversations with people about my belief or lack thereof as long as said people can show a respect for me in return for mine. So is it really that hard to fathom? Did you know that there are a TON of people, celebrities included who do/did not believe in God? http://ffrf.org/day/fotd_intro.php Check out this website...there are quite a few thumbnails of very famous people who are being quoted as stating they do not believe in a God. If it's good enough for them, why isn't it good enough for me? I suppose since this is a little new to me it's a bit realling. After all I am among the minority. And to be quite honest it's a bit scary. Knowing that some people will look at me in a completely different way...perhaps even in a hateful way if they knew how I felt. It leaves me feeling vulnerable. But I refuse to say I believe in something just to "fit in". So...you're a Christian? That's nice...I'm an atheist.