Happy Almost Birthday

The line was faint but it was there. My heart burst with love in a way I never thought possible. I was in the bathroom at work...no I couldn't wait until I got home. And I laughed at my own impatience.  I cleaned myself up, and ran to my phone to call your daddy. He, of course, was thrilled. He also laughed at my impatience.
I began to wonder if you were a boy or girl, what you would look like, how my life was going to change. I couldn't stop smiling. People were starting to look at me funny. I told my boss and one of my co-workers. They hugged me quietly. I wasn't ready to tell everyone just yet.
But I already had a name for you...Mushpea. I kept thinking that you were no bigger than a mushed pea.
That night I stopped off for a blood test...just to be sure! The next day my little faint line was given a blood positive. I felt relieved, like I wasn't sure about having to squint to see the results on my 'home/work' test.
It was right before Christmas but we didn't wait to tell our friends and family. We called everyone we knew and practically had to stop ourselves from screaming with joy. If nothing else, you were wanted.
You were due August 23rd, 2002.
Christmas Day.
I woke at 5:00 am with horrible cramps.
For a few moments I forgot. I was disoriented from sleep. I walked to the bathroom thinking that maybe I ate something that didn't agree with me.
Blood.
I screamed for your daddy. He leaped from the bed, not knowing what to expect.
I couldn't say anything, I just showed him the evidence in my underwear.
He asked me what to do, and I snapped back to reality. I asked him for the phone to call the doctor. She asked me a few standard questions and after a few minutes, said the words I feared.
I probably miscarried.
I was only about 5-7 weeks along. There was nothing they could do.
But she asked me to stop in for a few blood tests, to be sure that I wasn't pregnant with twins and had lost one. I knew before the phone call the following week what that answer would be. We went back to bed and I cried myself back to sleep.
We woke up and opened presents. It was our first Christmas as a married couple.
I had made a card for your Daddy, from you.
Our little mushpea. He cried.
He had bought me a Charming Tail's figurine. A mama holding a baby, rocking in a chair. I cried.
Your Pappy and Grandma had bought us a few things for you. A few clothes, a teething ring and a beautiful, soft, yellow blanket. Your other grandma sent your daddy and I a cute ornament with a pregnant mama bear standing with a daddy bear.
We couldn't tell them. Not yet.
The worst part?
Telling everyone that you were gone. I felt like such a liar.
I know it's silly, but that's how it felt to me.
Your daddy didn't really know what to do or say, but I know he was hurt.
If I could, I would thank you for your sacrifce.
Today, I have a wonderful little man in my life. His name is Ryan. He knows about you.
Every Christmas I still put that pregnant mama bear ornament on the tree. Even though your daddy and I aren't together anymore.
Last year Ryan asked me why I was crying as I hung it. I told him I missed you. And he told me he was sorry that my baby died.
He would have made such a great little brother.
Happy Almost Birthday Mushpea.
I love you.

My best friend

I love music. Music comforts me when I'm sad. Music envelopes me when I am cold. Music makes me dance when I am happy. Music will never abandon me. Music will never betray me. Music will always love me. These are laws. Whether it be The Highwaymen, Beth Hart, Sara Bareilles, or some random new artist I happen upon; music is...everywhere. I sing because I honor, I play because I admire, I live it because it is me.

Freaky silly funny and sexy...