Oranges grow on trees...

I didn't know what to call this post...but I really HATE my fucking job. My supervisor: 1. has no spine 2. is more defensive than a chastity belt 3. expects people to do stuff for her OUTSIDE OF WORK just because she asks My Sales Manager: 1. has a bark that only serves as a way of making him feel macho 'cause he has absolutely NO power 2. Wears flannel EVERY friday My VP of Sales 1. Makes promises to our customers that have no way of physically being met unless every one our company never goes home. 2. Throws around the 'everyone is replacable' crap 3. Drives the ugliest fucking car all while wearing fake Gucci shoes These are just some of the reasons I hate my job...there are far too many to list all of them. Can someone please call Hollywood and tell them I'm waiting for my closeup?

Someone suck me into a vortex already

What do you do when everything you've ever worked for, slips away so slowly that one day you turn around and it's all gone? I had the loving husband, the beautiful new bouncing baby boy, the sheer contentment that was my life. Now I have a dwindling bank account, no friends, a job I hate, and my son would rather not spend time with me. I don't recall ever feeling this lonely, ever. To make matters even worse, my 8th anniversary is this coming Tuesday. It doesn't mean anything anymore. It only serves to remind me of what I miss. I miss the man I married. He was a kind, caring, loving man who no longer exists anymore. I miss the family I had. We had fun for the short amount of time that we were happy. Now I struggle just to make my son happy. It's been a little over 18 months since I left my home and I feel no closer to moving on than the day I left. Sure I have days, even weeks when I feel a little bit better. But on the whole, I feel lost. Like something shifted in my own personal gravity and I no longer know what holds me here. What makes it all the worse is that it was nothing I did. I can't atone for any sins here. I am not the one who made the choices that led to the destruction of my happy life. So I how do I right the wrongs that I feel inside? How can I take control of something that is beyond my control?

Is pimping myself out illegal?

I've been hit in the gut this weekend, by my ATM 'available balance' receipt. Fucking little piece of nazi paper!! I have less in my bank account than what my rent is, and it's PAST the 1st. How the hell did this happen? I just went over my budget and according to what I have written in stone I should be barely $300.00 in the plus every month. Um...I can testify that IT AIN'T HAPPENING! What the fuck? Mutha fucking shit. What really gets my goat is that I don't spend money. I don't go anywhere to spend money. Sure I might buy shampoo and hair goo and the occasional bag of chips...but seriously, I don't spend money! My only luxury is fucking Netflix and I'm contemplating dropping that so I can bank roll that extra $13.99 a month. The other thing that pisses me off is my hopefully soon-to-be-ex-husband is pulling in at least twice what I'm making, possibly three times the amount. And he's installing alarm systems in his home and taking whirlwind vacations to Disneyworld. Fuck yeah that's fair. I'm having panic attacks for spending $20.00 to take Ryan to the fucking drive-in for something special to do this weekend. Suddenly a trip to the teeny park across the street is looking like our vacation this year. And I was in a good mood for the last few days. Fuck my life.

A veil has been lifted

I'm not sure what happened but I seem to be in a better mood lately. Not recovered completely but feeling better. Which is a good thing because I'm getting set to visit my friend Jenn in Rochester, New York. I really don't think she wants to watch me be a complete and total bitch for two whole days. I could be wrong but most people aren't really comfortable with that whole 'I hate everyone' kind of attitude. Ryan and Shane are back from vacation too so seeing my little man again, might have a bit to do with my lifted mood as well. I can't believe how much I missed him. So it's with a lighter heart that I sit here now and watch 'Bolt' with my little guy. I have to say I find myself identifying with Rhino, the hamster. How, you ask, can one identify with a hamster. Easy is my answer. He's chubby, prone to histrionics, and ready to fight evil with a talking dog. TOTALLY the way I live every day. Have I mentioned that might be just a bit crazy? Maybe that's the real reason for my great mood. I've finally given in to the voices.

Move On

it's so easy to say to someone, "Get over it, move on." But when you are trapped in the pit of your own despair, with nothing or nobody to hold onto, what propels you to move?

Men suck

There really isn't any more to say about that.

Hey, there's a whore in my seat...

So today I'm driving home from work, minding my business. In fact I was going over a chapter from my book, in my head. Trying to see if a certain dialogue was going to work. Unfortunately this might make me look crazy to some people because I physically speak the words but only when it's hot enough for the AC to be on and the windows are up. (That's normal, right?) Anway... I'm rolling up on Rt.30, getting ready to turn left on to Pennsylvania Avenue when I spot Shane's volvo up ahead. I'm going to drive by it as he's in the lane that goes straight, so I'm getting ready to beep and wave, when I notice something that looks off. There's a whore in the passenger seat. ! I manage to keep my composure but my heart fell out of my chest. Now let me just say that I've run into her at the grocery store a few months ago and I felt nothing. No skipped heart beat, no desire to beat in her head with the apple I happened to be holding when she walked in the store, and even better, no thoughts of dragging her by her hair back to the deli department and slicing her skanky ass into super thin slices. But seeing her in Shane's car, laughing, looking happy...it sent me reeling. Suddenly I was overwhelmed with the thought that I was no good. I didn't matter. How could one man have that much power over me? Because I let him. I loved Shane with a ferocity that sometimes frightened me. I made promises to him and to myself to do everything I could to make our marriage work. I knew it wouldn't always be easy but I was committed to try. And it all ended...snap...just like that. It's been over a year since I moved out (for the second and final time) and I'm still struggling with my self worth. How can I possibly trust anyone with my heart when the ONE person I trusted with my heart and more, treated it like it was disposable? And to think that he would throw me aside for a girl who obviously can not appreciate the meaning of love makes it even worse. I have come to a conclusion... If Shane would have left me (mentally) for a person who he couldn't live without, someone who pulled him like gravity, I could find a way to move on. But he left me for nothing. How is that supposed to make me feel better about me?

Grrr

I had this awesome post and Ryan came over to the puter to look at the Animal Planet and ended up closing the page before it saved. ugh now I don't feel like typing it all out