What an amazing weekend.
The weather might have been too hot for my delicate skin, but it didn't stop me from fun, frivolity, and general debauchery.
Friday was filled with rain, Five guys burgers and fries, fetishes and sweet mint tea vodka. Yum!
Not to mention spending time with one of my bestest-est-est friends in the whole wide world. I seriously love you woman.
Saturday I went shopping and bought myself some much needed summer gear. I have to say, I absolutely hate dressing room mirrors. But my attention was diverted by the woman in the room next to me.
Let's take a moment here to talk about manners.
Seriously people. Nobody wants to hear you drop the F-bomb in the middle of Lane Bryant. It makes you sound uneducated. So do yourself a favor and find new words. Barnes and Noble sells Thesauruses for under $10.00.
And one more thing, put on a fucking bra, whore.
Sunday.
Where do I begin with Sunday.
I learned about things like ropes, bajingo songs, shrimping, donkey blow, girth, thunder-cum, and throat punches.
But the most important thing I learned is that my friends are awesome (okay, I already knew that); new friends are just as great; and music really is the glue that holds us together. Or is that beer?
At any rate, I had the best time just chillin with some really great people.
And for anyone who missed it (or needs a replay), Alan rubbed himself like a girl.
You're welcome.
One more thing...when are we doing it again?
Good times people. Good times.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Thursday, May 26, 2011
The Ugly Truth
The envelope was addressed to me, with no return address on it.
Just a plain white, legal sized envelope.
Thin.
I ripped open the seam and pulled out one tri-folded piece of paper.
I could see a gold seal on one of the folds.
I slowly opened the sheet of paper and written across the top was two words.
Divorce Decree.
So it was done.
As of May 24th 2011 I was no longer bound by the laws of matrimony.
Without realizing why, I felt tears stinging my eyes.
Why?
I knew this was coming. I filed the papers!
But it felt right to be sad.
My husband was the one person in this world that made me feel...well, great. We were happy. And not in that "we're happy in public but miserable at home" type of way. We were truly and genuinly happy.
And to know that bad things could creep into that happiness and mar it with ugliness makes me unbeliebably sad.
And I think it should.
Relationships aren't easy. They can be ugly, dirty and messy. But fighting through that is what makes them beautiful. Knowing that the other person is worth fighting for, is what makes them wonderful.
Seeing a relationship come to an end is not something to celebrate.
It doesn't make me smile.
Although I know that following through with this divorce was the right thing for me, it will never make me happy.
And I truly wish nothing but the best for Shane.
I can only hope, in a wierd way, that he feels the same way I do.
I hope he mourns the loss of our great relationship, if not with me, then for me.
Just a plain white, legal sized envelope.
Thin.
I ripped open the seam and pulled out one tri-folded piece of paper.
I could see a gold seal on one of the folds.
I slowly opened the sheet of paper and written across the top was two words.
Divorce Decree.
So it was done.
As of May 24th 2011 I was no longer bound by the laws of matrimony.
Without realizing why, I felt tears stinging my eyes.
Why?
I knew this was coming. I filed the papers!
But it felt right to be sad.
My husband was the one person in this world that made me feel...well, great. We were happy. And not in that "we're happy in public but miserable at home" type of way. We were truly and genuinly happy.
And to know that bad things could creep into that happiness and mar it with ugliness makes me unbeliebably sad.
And I think it should.
Relationships aren't easy. They can be ugly, dirty and messy. But fighting through that is what makes them beautiful. Knowing that the other person is worth fighting for, is what makes them wonderful.
Seeing a relationship come to an end is not something to celebrate.
It doesn't make me smile.
Although I know that following through with this divorce was the right thing for me, it will never make me happy.
And I truly wish nothing but the best for Shane.
I can only hope, in a wierd way, that he feels the same way I do.
I hope he mourns the loss of our great relationship, if not with me, then for me.
Monday, May 23, 2011
I'm lonely, but at least I have a virus.
So I'm in the midst of one of my slumps again.
It's common knowledge to my brain that I go through an emotional cycle. At some point I am accepting of all things thrown my way and I feel good. And before I know it, I am paranoid that all my friends are secretly plotting ways to end our friendship and I am destined to be alone forever.
No in between...just one or the other.
I recognize when I'm in either cycle, but when I'm down, it is really hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Anyway,I had this really awesome post being written in my brain, that I was going to type up yesterday. In it I talked about the woes of being a single mom; not really understanding who I am; asking how on earth am I supposed to even think about dating when my time feels very limited; wondering if I will wake up 10 years from now and be stuck in this same situation.
You know, just some casual life questions.
But when I turned on my computer I discovered that I had a nasty ass virus on it. I tried for at least 2 hours to work on removing it, but no luck.
I hate making blog posts while I'm at work. Sometimes re-living these thoughts makes me cry and I hate crying here. People I work with might start to believe I have an actual heart beating within my chest, and that just would not be good.
So now I will be stuck for God knows how long trying to remove this crap from my home computer just so I can continue to blog, write and surf for amputee porn; instead of sulking in my recliner until I feel better.
Don't these hackers have something better to do?
Like help Joe Montegna catch bad guys?
It's common knowledge to my brain that I go through an emotional cycle. At some point I am accepting of all things thrown my way and I feel good. And before I know it, I am paranoid that all my friends are secretly plotting ways to end our friendship and I am destined to be alone forever.
No in between...just one or the other.
I recognize when I'm in either cycle, but when I'm down, it is really hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Anyway,I had this really awesome post being written in my brain, that I was going to type up yesterday. In it I talked about the woes of being a single mom; not really understanding who I am; asking how on earth am I supposed to even think about dating when my time feels very limited; wondering if I will wake up 10 years from now and be stuck in this same situation.
You know, just some casual life questions.
But when I turned on my computer I discovered that I had a nasty ass virus on it. I tried for at least 2 hours to work on removing it, but no luck.
I hate making blog posts while I'm at work. Sometimes re-living these thoughts makes me cry and I hate crying here. People I work with might start to believe I have an actual heart beating within my chest, and that just would not be good.
So now I will be stuck for God knows how long trying to remove this crap from my home computer just so I can continue to blog, write and surf for amputee porn; instead of sulking in my recliner until I feel better.
Don't these hackers have something better to do?
Like help Joe Montegna catch bad guys?
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Giving props to sheer awesomeness...
I have the bestest friends ever.
EVER!
Almost two weeks of wearing my cranky-pants and after just a minute on the phone with one of my besties...well it pulls those pants right off and replaces them with soft comfy sweats.
AND YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE YOU SASSY BITCH, YOU!
Thanks for being utterly amazing and awesome. Love you!
EVER!
Almost two weeks of wearing my cranky-pants and after just a minute on the phone with one of my besties...well it pulls those pants right off and replaces them with soft comfy sweats.
AND YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE YOU SASSY BITCH, YOU!
Thanks for being utterly amazing and awesome. Love you!
Monday, May 9, 2011
Quiet please!
I never liked the quiet.
Well...sort of.
I always have some sort of background noise floating through the airwaves. Whether that be the television, music or even a fan, there was always something I could hear.
Just a few minutes ago I was peeling and cutting potatoes for dinner and I realized that the television was off. I had no music playing (unless you count what constantly plays in my head). There was no noise.
And I liked it.
My head wasn't filled with 'what ifs' and 'how comes'. I wasn't fretting over this or that.
I just was.
And it was nice.
Well...sort of.
I always have some sort of background noise floating through the airwaves. Whether that be the television, music or even a fan, there was always something I could hear.
Just a few minutes ago I was peeling and cutting potatoes for dinner and I realized that the television was off. I had no music playing (unless you count what constantly plays in my head). There was no noise.
And I liked it.
My head wasn't filled with 'what ifs' and 'how comes'. I wasn't fretting over this or that.
I just was.
And it was nice.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
In thanks
We used to go for Sunday drives...just for fun.
I didn't mind.
I loved having the window down and feeling my hair blow around my face.
The radio would be playing some country song and you would be doing that humming/singing combination you always did.
Every once and awhile you would tell me about what used to be fields before all those houses went in.
I'm not sure if I ever told you, but I loved hearing your stories.
It made me feel connected to something.
One day we ended up in the cemetary where you now live.
We visited the gravestones of family you had not seen since you were my age. You re-told me stories about who they all were and where they lived or what they did.
Then we stopped by to visit your husband and son.
You always got quiet when we visited them.
I wondered how it felt to see the stone with your son's name on it.
Not because I wanted to know, but I wanted to know how you did it.
I never realized just how strong you were until the first time I held my own little guy.
That same day we drove to new places you had never taken me before. You told me about the tobacco farm your grandfather owned. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine what the land looked like without Rt 30 running through it and beside it.
I wondered what it was like for you as a child, playing on that farm. What was it like to visit your grandparents for Sunday dinner after church? What were you like as a child?
There are some questions I never got to ask you.
Like how it felt to not know your father. Were you ever teased because of it? Was it hard for you?
You never let on that your stepfather treated you differently. Or that the four brothers that followed were somehow treated better. It seemed that you all loved each other.
Or how it felt to know that your daughter was not a good mother. Did you ever question taking me in? Was that hard for you? You never acted like it was. You just loved me.
It's Mother's Day.
But I don't just think of you today.
There isn't a minute that goes by that you aren't somewhere in my thoughts.
The hole that's been in my chest since you've been gone is still there. I guess I just learned how to live with it.
Sometimes I wonder what you would think about how my life turned out up until now. But then I remember that you were proud of me no matter what I did. You trusted my judgement and that helps me realize that I'll be okay.
I don't know if there are words enough to describe just how thankful I am. You were the first person to ever make me feel wanted, or loved. And I can only hope that I can be half the mother to my son, that you were to me.
I love you, Nan.
Happy Mother's Day.
I didn't mind.
I loved having the window down and feeling my hair blow around my face.
The radio would be playing some country song and you would be doing that humming/singing combination you always did.
Every once and awhile you would tell me about what used to be fields before all those houses went in.
I'm not sure if I ever told you, but I loved hearing your stories.
It made me feel connected to something.
One day we ended up in the cemetary where you now live.
We visited the gravestones of family you had not seen since you were my age. You re-told me stories about who they all were and where they lived or what they did.
Then we stopped by to visit your husband and son.
You always got quiet when we visited them.
I wondered how it felt to see the stone with your son's name on it.
Not because I wanted to know, but I wanted to know how you did it.
I never realized just how strong you were until the first time I held my own little guy.
That same day we drove to new places you had never taken me before. You told me about the tobacco farm your grandfather owned. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine what the land looked like without Rt 30 running through it and beside it.
I wondered what it was like for you as a child, playing on that farm. What was it like to visit your grandparents for Sunday dinner after church? What were you like as a child?
There are some questions I never got to ask you.
Like how it felt to not know your father. Were you ever teased because of it? Was it hard for you?
You never let on that your stepfather treated you differently. Or that the four brothers that followed were somehow treated better. It seemed that you all loved each other.
Or how it felt to know that your daughter was not a good mother. Did you ever question taking me in? Was that hard for you? You never acted like it was. You just loved me.
It's Mother's Day.
But I don't just think of you today.
There isn't a minute that goes by that you aren't somewhere in my thoughts.
The hole that's been in my chest since you've been gone is still there. I guess I just learned how to live with it.
Sometimes I wonder what you would think about how my life turned out up until now. But then I remember that you were proud of me no matter what I did. You trusted my judgement and that helps me realize that I'll be okay.
I don't know if there are words enough to describe just how thankful I am. You were the first person to ever make me feel wanted, or loved. And I can only hope that I can be half the mother to my son, that you were to me.
I love you, Nan.
Happy Mother's Day.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Is this what Dorothy felt like?
I feel very confused.
Like I'm stuck in the middle of a whirlwind of what I need, what I want, and what I have.
It doesn't help that I am also very frustrated.
It's not easy walking in these shoes. (Unless it's my sassy red shoes. They are too pretty to ever complain about).
I'm a 37 year old, single mother who works at a job she hates, and has yet to go on one single date in the three years that I've been single. a.k.a. what I have.
Now on to what I want.
Companionship.
I don't necessarily want to be in what I would call a serious relationship. Monogamous, yes. But 'in the moment' works for me. There doesn't have to be talk of living together or what the future holds. That would be great...someday. Like someday FAR off in the future. So far off that I can't really even see it on the calendar.
Now what I need?
No clue.
Certain people have mentioned that I 'need to get laid'.
*insert eye roll here*
Sex would be wonderful. But I have never been the 'bang it if it walks' type of person. I need to know someone before I can take my clothes off in front of them. So I'm not really in a hurry for sex.
I guess what I need will remain a mystery, what I want will remain out of reach, and what I have...well I'll just keep cherishing that until the rest falls into place.
Like I'm stuck in the middle of a whirlwind of what I need, what I want, and what I have.
It doesn't help that I am also very frustrated.
It's not easy walking in these shoes. (Unless it's my sassy red shoes. They are too pretty to ever complain about).
I'm a 37 year old, single mother who works at a job she hates, and has yet to go on one single date in the three years that I've been single. a.k.a. what I have.
Now on to what I want.
Companionship.
I don't necessarily want to be in what I would call a serious relationship. Monogamous, yes. But 'in the moment' works for me. There doesn't have to be talk of living together or what the future holds. That would be great...someday. Like someday FAR off in the future. So far off that I can't really even see it on the calendar.
Now what I need?
No clue.
Certain people have mentioned that I 'need to get laid'.
*insert eye roll here*
Sex would be wonderful. But I have never been the 'bang it if it walks' type of person. I need to know someone before I can take my clothes off in front of them. So I'm not really in a hurry for sex.
I guess what I need will remain a mystery, what I want will remain out of reach, and what I have...well I'll just keep cherishing that until the rest falls into place.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
What makes me smile
It's been awhile...
Full moon on a clear night
Cucumber Melon
Awesome Foursome
Quiet moments
My home
Possibilities
Her laugh
Moffett stories
Internet
Coffee
His Sean Connery impression
Full moon on a clear night
Cucumber Melon
Awesome Foursome
Quiet moments
My home
Possibilities
Her laugh
Moffett stories
Internet
Coffee
His Sean Connery impression
Monday, May 2, 2011
In the infamous words of Spongebob...I'm ready I'm ready I'm ready
I am officially moved! Finally.
Seems to take forever!
Saturday I finished packing/bagging up items that are going to be donated. And filled a dumpster full of trash.
That felt GREAT!
I can't even begin to explain how wonderful it feels to be out of that ghetto hole in hickville.
Honestly it wasn't that bad. But those walls felt like a prison.
I remember moving in there and the feeling of dread that washed over me everytime I unlocked the door.
This was the place I would dwell while the world fell apart around me. I would close the curtains and sit in the dark, wasting away. All the while screaming inside for someone to hear me.
But the sun is shining again.
I've moved out and on to better things.
I smile for no reason, and for reasons I hold dear and keep hidden in my heart.
I see glimpses of the real me when I catch my reflection in the mirror.
It's a good time to be Jennifer Plonk.
And as I grabbed my last bag, and headed to the car my Mp3 player shuffled to the next song.
Fitting.
Seeing as how I'm ready to rule the world.
Seems to take forever!
Saturday I finished packing/bagging up items that are going to be donated. And filled a dumpster full of trash.
That felt GREAT!
I can't even begin to explain how wonderful it feels to be out of that ghetto hole in hickville.
Honestly it wasn't that bad. But those walls felt like a prison.
I remember moving in there and the feeling of dread that washed over me everytime I unlocked the door.
This was the place I would dwell while the world fell apart around me. I would close the curtains and sit in the dark, wasting away. All the while screaming inside for someone to hear me.
But the sun is shining again.
I've moved out and on to better things.
I smile for no reason, and for reasons I hold dear and keep hidden in my heart.
I see glimpses of the real me when I catch my reflection in the mirror.
It's a good time to be Jennifer Plonk.
And as I grabbed my last bag, and headed to the car my Mp3 player shuffled to the next song.
Fitting.
Seeing as how I'm ready to rule the world.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
The real reason
You asked me why I was still there. My response was, "maybe I'm a glutton for punishment."
But that's not true and it's been bothering me ever since.
What you were doling out was not punishment.
And I stayed because I care.
I don't think my feelings for you are a big secret - but first and foremost, I am your friend.
And that's what friends do.
They stay.
Just thought you'd like to know.
But that's not true and it's been bothering me ever since.
What you were doling out was not punishment.
And I stayed because I care.
I don't think my feelings for you are a big secret - but first and foremost, I am your friend.
And that's what friends do.
They stay.
Just thought you'd like to know.
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