I walk the line

I am not good at writing when there is a mass of shit swirling in my head. 
That has been happening for the last month.
And I wasn't sure what I wanted to write about.
But one thought kept coming back to the front of the line, so here goes.

A few days ago, someone called me to gossip.
She started to tell me about someone from my past; that he was in the hospital and might die.
I didn't have the heart to tell her to stop.
That hearing his name brings up feelings and emotions that I'm not comfortable dealing with anymore.
And since I know she is reading this..."I am not mad at you"  <3

I told her that I no longer think about him and that I feel fairly indifferent about the news she gave me.
But I haven't been able to shake what she said, and here is why.

This man hurt me. 
In my life I have hated exactly two people.  One of them IS dead, and the other one is this man.

What scares me is that I'm glad he is in pain.  I'm glad he is suffering to breathe.
After what he did to me, he deserves it.

But.

That isn't me.  I let go of that hurt a long time ago.  I don't think about him or what he did to me.  I don't spend my days playing the victim.
While it's true I have never forgiven him, I have sort of forgotten.
It really does feel like all of those horrible things happened to another person, and not to me.
But then one day I'm shopping for groceries at Weis and I see him.  For two seconds I re-live it all.  I struggle to keep myself upright and not cower in the corner.  I fight to remember that I am a different person; stronger and worthy.
While hearing his name doesn't make me shake with fear, it does remind me that even though I have moved on, those feelings of shame still live in me.

Knowing that he is no longer living and breathing on this planet would bring me some peace.  So how do I reconcile that knowledge with the fact that this man is a father.  His children don't know him as the mean cock-fucker that I do.
How can I be okay with wanting them to be fatherless?
That's not me.
And yet it is.

Meow

Just look at that face.

Tomorrow, my sweet, bitchy, loving, moody, buddy will have turned 17.

But today when I took her to the vet for some eye issues, I decided to have her euthanized.

She wasn't getting better, only worse.

And watching her suffer does not make me a good master.

I had a very long blog post about her, but honestly those details just don't matter.

She loved me unconditionally.

And I will miss her like crazy.

The small stuff

This morning I dropped Ryan off at daycare.
A woman and her daughter walked into the front door at the same time.
An employee let us in, and both of our children ran off to put their things in their assigned slots.
The other mom signed in her daughter, turned around and walked off.
Just as I grabbed the pen, the daughter came around the corner, called out for her mom, and her face dropped seeing that her mom was long gone.

My heart sank.

After I signed in my favorite little guy, I met him at his locker (or what I usually refer to as his 'coat hole').  I fixed his collar, gave him a hug and told him to have a good day, after whispering 'I love you' in his hear.  (No need to embarrass the lad).
The entire time, that little girl stood in the hallway crying.

I wanted to hug her too, but she didn't want some stranger's comfort.  She wanted her mother.

No matter what is going on in your morning, your head or your heart, hug your child.  Tell them you love them, henpeck their forehead, or tousle their hair. 
Whatever you want to do, acknowledge them.
The other stuff going on is just that, stuff.
And it's not worth sweating over.

Someone stop the ride already!

This started out as a FB post, but then I realized that I was typing an entire paragraph.
I'm fairly certain that my kitty, Guinan will have to be euthanized.

On Thursday I noticed that her eyes looked weird.  The pupils are completely dilated and have not changed.  She is walking with hesitation, and bumping into things.  She can't see her treats.  She can't see her cheese covered medication that she is supposed to have twice a day.
She is already deaf, so when I try to get her attention I have to touch her. 

But tonight, my other cat, Q, scared the shit out of her.  So she has been growling any time I try to pet her. 

I can't justify keeping her here when she is scared all of the time.  What kind of life is that for her?

FUUUUUUCK.
I need a damn break already!

The beauty I see

Being an atheist does not exclude me from seeing beauty in the things around me.
Today, I saw beauty.
Thank you JujuB.
Thank you for allowing me the honor of being in your presence today.

The bumps are more like mountains.

And it just keeps coming.Without going into too much detail, my UC benefits come to 30% of my previous gross income. 

There are no words.

For the past 8 years, the bumps in the road have been coming closer and closer together.  I take a few good steps and, BAM.  Another bump.

And even with those bumps, something keeps me going.

The love I have for my friends.
The love I have for my family.
The love I receive from both.
I have mad love for the people in my life.  Not just because they are here for me in my time of need.  But because they laugh with me when I'm happy. 

If you are reading this, consider yourself to be one of those amazing people I accept into my circle.
I only hope I give you the same love you shower upon me.
You deserve it.

That sounds so british

I'm good with words, when I write them.
Speaking them is not always easy, but usually I manage.
Singing words, I'm good at.
I'm better at it if the crowd is larger.  Mostly because I like singing with my eyes closed.
Actually making eye contact with someone while singing just feels weird and skeevy to me.  So singing into a camera is WAY out of my element.

But for the last few months my friends and family have been firmly telling me I need to post a video of me singing. 

Say, what?

Are these people crazy?

Maybe.  But I love them.  So how can I let them down?

How to make lemonade

So.

Life has thrown me yet another lemon.
I lost my job.
No more, kaput, fired, given the pink slip, laid off.
Whatever you want to call it, it sucks.

Friday at 2:00 (ish) I was called into my bosses office along with my friend and co-worker Chris Keller. I immediately went numb as soon as he asked me to shut the door. And that was it. I completely shut down.
All the things I wanted to say just flew out the window.
I couldn't look at anything but the floor.
And that figurative wall that exists around me grew 10 times thicker in a matter of seconds.

No way was this asshole going to see me cry. No way.
Because honestly, I hated that fucking place.
I hated what I became just walking in the door every morning.
I tried desperately to hang on to that little bit of myself that could see good in the world. Most days I succeeded. But every day I could feel little chips of my soul being harvested.  And I know I'm not the only one who felt that way.

So for the peers that fought in that place right along with me...I will miss you. Even if you did sometimes annoy me, mostly you made it a little bit easier to cope with the fact that I lived a cube for 45hours a week.

Chris Keller
Debbie Wolfe
Barbara Buchanan
Heather Kuhn
Rachel Shue
Joe Pelligrino
Steve Gentzler
Shirley Cohen
Bill Hayes
Greg Grim
John Lenick
Alissa Williams
Sabrina Ward
Ed MacDonald
Amy Allen
Maureen Zeplin
Donna Zaghary
Tena Moyer
Marie Martin
Jason Fowler
Sterling Lawrence
Roger Newcomer
Audrey Hoff
Amber Weaver
Rick Heilman
Nicole Ream
Richie Bowers
Deb Walls
Todd Gemmill
Smitha Mathew
Richard Gonzalez
Joe Bell
Nadine Kaltreider

I might not have known all of you well. But it sure was a pleasure working with you.
Keep your heads up, stay true to your wonderful souls and don't let 'the man' get you down.

And here's a little message to the upper management/owners that I had the misfortune to meet.
Karma is a bitch.

But, no worries. I know things will work out for me, in the end.
Because I plan on grabbing this lemon by the balls and making it my bitch.