Fear Storm

I'm fucked up. And thanks to a few of my very honest and caring friends, I have been reminded that not only am I fucked up, but I am also very strong. I know this. I've always been the one who wasn't afraid to take risks, and say what was on my mind. But there in lies the rub. I was afraid. What I forgot was that even though I've always been afraid, I never let that stop me. Something happened to me when my marriage fell apart. It hurt like a motherfucker. And I let that hurt turn into fear and I'm letting that fear paralyze me. I'm afraid to make decisions on my own. Because I'm afraid it's going to be the wrong one. You see... I waited to get married. All of my close friends (at the time) were long married and were into raising their kids, buying campers and boats, watching NASCAR and taking trips to the beach. And while they were harping on me about being too picky, I waited. Until I found the right man. I was going to get married, have at least two children, and live ever after. But I got lost in that dream, and I forgot that it wasn't just me on the ride. I forgot that someone else's decisions were tied to my destiny. And finding out that the man I chose to spend my life with didn't want me, hurt like a bitch. And that is when I lost something. I thought I was mourning the loss of my family, the loss of my 'perfect-for-me' man. But I was mourning something more. I was grieving over the loss of something inside of me. My confidence was shot to shit. I felt like a complete failure. I had made one of the biggest decisions of my life and it turned out to be the wrong one. He wasn't my forever-after. And somehow...that's okay. Now yesterday I got myself all worked up about asking out a boy. I had this picture painted in my head of him saying things like, "Fuck no bitch, I wouldn't touch you with a ten foot pole." or "No thank you, I don't date fatties." or my favorite "I love you but I just don't want you." What the fuck? I had myself worked into a frenzy before I even worked up the courage to ask him if he wanted to hang. TO HANG!!! That's right. I wasn't asking him to marry me, or to be my baby daddy. I just wanted to hang out with him; get to know him. But that damn fear stepped in the way and made me look a fool. I did end up calling him and leaving a message, but I honestly can't remember what I said. He probably thinks I'm a complete nut job; and that's okay too. Because I remembered something. I am Jennifer...and I can do anything I set my mind to. I know that...I've always known that. Now, lets hope that this 'not baby daddy' guy is nice enough to either say "sure, let's hang" or at the very least...let me down nice and easy.