Fuck Off Fuckers

It's been a crappy ass fucking week and all are feeling the wrath of my foul ass mood swings. Sucks to be them because quite honestly I don't give a flying fuck. Not one! I know it's selfish but I really need to go through this right now, so fuck 'em! I know I'm finally in the anger stage of my grief of my marriage ending and I'm going to relish in it...plus it's that lovely Holiday Season and that always made me crabby. Less so when I was a happy wife but still meloncholy none the less. I really do fucking hate this time of year...Thanksgiving and Christmas are going to be tough for me. I have little man both mornings so that's GREAT! But I know that I have to share him now and I fucking hate S for that. Not just hate...but seething, drooling, rip his nuts off hate, ya know? I hope he thinks about that the next time he's humping his pus infested whore. Fucker. Yep...relishing the anger. If I could poor it out into the tub I'd take a bath in it. Fuck everyone. Fuckers.

Well today is the day I've been dreading for a few weeks now. 7th Anniversary. So far so good. I have co-workers trying to set me up which I'm not entirely sure I'm comfortable with. Maybe it's because it's "B" who is doing the matchmaking. She is quite the kooky lady and I don't know if I really want her to get to know me outside of work...her and I have had confrontations in the past and I'm afraid that if we have one outside of work I'll pop her one. This is the same lady who has told me things like... "I guess you and I have different definitions of customer service" and my personal favorite, "I just can not FATHOM a person not believing in God" Now these statements alone do not make the blood boil so much as the tone in her voice when she says them. grrrrrrrrrrr I pretty much keep my cool at work but outside of these protective HR infused walls I might have to introduce her to my 24" pebbled arms...and let me tell you, that wouldn't be pretty. I finally had a night out with my gal Crystal (from work). I had a great time!! I think she is worried that I didn't but I explained that my M.O. is to observe the first night and on the second night I strike....LOL It sounds sad but it's kind of true...I've always been that way. But there were cute boys to stare at, great music, great drinks and plenty of excuses for hot boys to rub up against me (or vice versa) because it was fucking packed!! She said the next time she takes me out we are going to this great gay bar called Excess....she said it's a pretty much anything goes kind of place so we are splitting a cab with a few friends! I'm in! I wonder if there will be rub-able cuties there?

The end of an era...

I told "him" today that I want a divorce...I told him he had one month to file the papers or I'm doing it, and billing him. I seriously can not take this shit anymore. No matter what comes out of his mouth it's fucking lies. I just can not understand how you can hurt someone that you supposedly love? I've given him MORE than enough chances to make changes that could one day improve our marriage but I can't begin to do that if he continues to even be just friends with her. CAN'T. WON'T. I made that very clear too. I will be "friendly"...but we aren't friends. Is this what it feels like to let go of someone with an addiction? I know that I've been hanging on. I just couldn't let go of what used to be the greatest thing to ever happen to me. "He" saved me...from myself. Cheesy but it's the truth. I was lost, just meandering through life and not fitting in. "He" SAW me...he truly did allow me to be comfortable enough with myself that I am finally able to share that with people. The real me...not that fake bitch who tried to be a bad-ass just so people wouldn't get too close. He is no longer the same man I married and that makes me incredibly sad. Not just because our marriage has ended but because I see him becoming like his father and that scares me for his benefit. I may hate the man right now but I don't want him to continue to be an asshole. I want him to be the man that I KNOW he can be for our son's sake. I can only do so much as a mother. If our son can have a great example as a father than he deserves that. I understand that it doesn't always happen that way but I can wish for it, right? I really am just at a loss for words right now. How can a man choose having a child as the plateau for not being able to deal with "life"? Aren't there bigger and badder things that should cause a wedge to occur in a relationship? Illness, Death, Loss of Job? I mean THOSE are big things! Yes having a baby is big too...and I do understand how it can cause stress but you fucking deal with it! You don't let it fester until you can no longer stand to even kiss the woman that was supposed to be above all others. I swear I just want to fucking scream but I'm at work and I've been keeping it together so nobody can see that I'm upset. I just can't deal with it right now. I hate that this is the focus of my life right now. We should be happy, doting over our son, helping him to learn his letters and numbers, deciding which fund raisers to buy things from, deciding on gymnastics or karate, TOGETHER! How can you say you love someone for eternity and than "back out of it". My brain just can not fathom giving up on someone or something so great just because it's hard. What the fuck? Like avoiding things makes life easier??? Does that really work for some people? Okay I'm just rambling now and I am getting more and more pissed as the minutes go by. I am so glad that I don't have "little man" this weekend. I am going out with Crystal (co-worker) this weekend to see a band play and our schedules finally working out could not have come at a better time. I really need to just escape this weekend. I think I deserve it. til Monday...