For me

This blog is for me.
Writing things down helps me.
I've always struggled with how much to share on this blog.
After all...how many of you actually want to know about the things that hide in the deepest corners of my mind and heart.
It's not always pretty.

I had a good day today.
Slow day at work.
Shared some laughs with some of my co-workers.
I even looked forward to going home and getting some things done tonight.

I got home and ate dinner.
And I sat.
First to watch a bit of tv while I relaxed a bit.

And without warning it hit me.
A wave of dread, loneliness, sorrow, misery.
It's all encompassing.
I can't breathe.
Before I can say boo, the tears come.
I can't stop them.
I cry like this for minutes and then minutes turns into hours.

I get up to walk around a bit; try to shake it off.
But it follows me.

It's been like this for almost four hours tonight.
My eyes hurt.
My hands shake.
My throat hurts from holding back screams.

I try to picture my friends in my head.
I picture good times we've had together.
But as my mind replays the memory, it shifts.
I'm watching from a distance, and they are laughing and sharing great moments without me.

This is my struggle.
My disconnection to the world.
It's something I've always felt.
My first memory as a child is of me sitting in my play pen.
I had just woken from a nap, but my sister still slept beside me.
My mom asked me to be quiet and I told her I was hungry.
So she made me my favorite; peanut butter and jelly.

I can still see her face as she brought the plate into me.
And I felt lost.
At three, I felt lost.

I remember looking at my sister, sleeping beside me.
She looked so peaceful dreaming about who knows what.
And I felt like an alien sitting next to her.

I didn't belong there.
I have never felt like I belonged anywhere.

I don't write this because I want people to pity me.
I write this because I need to.
If I own the dread, the misery, and the loneliness, then perhaps it won't be able to own me anymore.
That kind of freedom sounds nice.