Grrr

I had this awesome post and Ryan came over to the puter to look at the Animal Planet and ended up closing the page before it saved. ugh now I don't feel like typing it all out

Christmas Eve

This is hard. Too damn hard if you ask me. Shane picked up Ryan today and brought him over tonight. We all hung out and ate dinner, watched some t.v., and got ready for Santa. But then Shane left. He just left. No, "this is hard", "I miss you"...nothing. It makes it worse. Like he doesn't feel anything, like he never did. And that makes me feel stupid for making the mistake of letting him in, in the first place. I just can't understand how you can say you love someone for life and then just not. How that promise means so little. I made a promise to love Shane forever so I stopped imagining my life with anyone else. I promised to raise a family with him and no one else, so how can I imagine life without sharing it with him? And it's not like he's ever going to tell me any of the answers I feel I need. So it's all left unsaid. Undone. Unfelt. Yet he can open up to others. How can you NOT share things with the one person who you claim made you the happiest you had ever been? How can you not want to spend your life with your best friend? How? Why?

That time of year

I never was good at dealing with the Holidays. I always felt "blue" and it usually lasted until at least mid January. That was alleviated when I met Shane in ways that I can't even begin to explain. Finding someone who made me feel 100% comfortable with being myself alleviated a lot of pain for me.

And now that our marriage is ending I'm faced with searching for a new way to alleviate that pain...but the answers won't be found this soon. So instead I'm focusing my energies on making Christmas as great as I can for Ryan without busting the purse strings.

We decorated the Christmas tree tonight. It wasn't easy...this is the first time in 9 years that I'm doing it without Shane, but at least I had my little man to help. One thing that REALLY made it hard...well it seems kind of silly. Christmas is hard for me for another reason. On Christmas day, 2001 I had a miscarriage. Well my step-mom bought me this cute ornament of a papa bear and preggers mama bear for me that year.

I still put it up because it's a lovely way for me to remember that little life. But it's not easy. Ryan asked me about it for the first time. I told him that I was pregnant once before he was born. He was genuinly sad and tried to comfort me. It was the sweetest moment...I wish I could bottle it and relive it over and over. Well I hung it up and that was that. But there was another ornament that was Shane's that always brought a smile to my face after that little bit of bittersweet pain. He has this ornament of a sitting Santa with the strangest expression on it's face. From the first time I saw it I almost peed myself laughing. But I didn't have it to look at this year. I know it's silly but it made me sad.

I also have this beautiful ornament that my step-mom and dad gave to us for our first Christmas as husband and wife. I know it seems silly to keep putting it up, but to be honest it's a very beautiful ornament. And it's not like I am in a new relationship where by sig. other would find it inappropriate so dammit, I put it up. Besides, Ryan really likes looking at it so what's the harm? Well it didn't exactly help me feel in the Christmas spirit but as soon as I saw my little man light up, it made it worth it.

Ryan had a GREAT time decorating the tree...so much that we took some silly pics of us decorated just like a tree.

Besides, it wasn't near enough garland for the tree so it looked much better on us...LOL

I know this year isn't going to be easy but we'll make it work.