The end of an era...

I told "him" today that I want a divorce...I told him he had one month to file the papers or I'm doing it, and billing him. I seriously can not take this shit anymore. No matter what comes out of his mouth it's fucking lies. I just can not understand how you can hurt someone that you supposedly love? I've given him MORE than enough chances to make changes that could one day improve our marriage but I can't begin to do that if he continues to even be just friends with her. CAN'T. WON'T. I made that very clear too. I will be "friendly"...but we aren't friends. Is this what it feels like to let go of someone with an addiction? I know that I've been hanging on. I just couldn't let go of what used to be the greatest thing to ever happen to me. "He" saved me...from myself. Cheesy but it's the truth. I was lost, just meandering through life and not fitting in. "He" SAW me...he truly did allow me to be comfortable enough with myself that I am finally able to share that with people. The real me...not that fake bitch who tried to be a bad-ass just so people wouldn't get too close. He is no longer the same man I married and that makes me incredibly sad. Not just because our marriage has ended but because I see him becoming like his father and that scares me for his benefit. I may hate the man right now but I don't want him to continue to be an asshole. I want him to be the man that I KNOW he can be for our son's sake. I can only do so much as a mother. If our son can have a great example as a father than he deserves that. I understand that it doesn't always happen that way but I can wish for it, right? I really am just at a loss for words right now. How can a man choose having a child as the plateau for not being able to deal with "life"? Aren't there bigger and badder things that should cause a wedge to occur in a relationship? Illness, Death, Loss of Job? I mean THOSE are big things! Yes having a baby is big too...and I do understand how it can cause stress but you fucking deal with it! You don't let it fester until you can no longer stand to even kiss the woman that was supposed to be above all others. I swear I just want to fucking scream but I'm at work and I've been keeping it together so nobody can see that I'm upset. I just can't deal with it right now. I hate that this is the focus of my life right now. We should be happy, doting over our son, helping him to learn his letters and numbers, deciding which fund raisers to buy things from, deciding on gymnastics or karate, TOGETHER! How can you say you love someone for eternity and than "back out of it". My brain just can not fathom giving up on someone or something so great just because it's hard. What the fuck? Like avoiding things makes life easier??? Does that really work for some people? Okay I'm just rambling now and I am getting more and more pissed as the minutes go by. I am so glad that I don't have "little man" this weekend. I am going out with Crystal (co-worker) this weekend to see a band play and our schedules finally working out could not have come at a better time. I really need to just escape this weekend. I think I deserve it. til Monday...

I tripped on Memory Lane

wow...I'm super fucking crabby today and it might have to do with seeing how hot and sexy I was when I was younger and DIDN'T SEE IT THEN! or it could be the fact that the whore that helped ruin my life had the audacity to give ME a dirty look yesterday. SERIOUSLY??? what the fuck did I do to her? I didn't break up her marriage. I didn't stalk her husband and make comments that freaked his wife the fuck out. I didn't have my mommy call said husband and wife and threaten to kick the wife's ass. (yeah that one still cracks me up) I'm so fucking done with her. I swear I want to beat in her fucking face if only to make me feel better for a bit. Okay it would make me feel better for the rest of her nasty whore mongering life but I digress. I am also a bit irritated because I wanted to post some funny ass pictures that I found while tripping down memory lane but I can't get them to save in the right format so I can't upload them. Fuck. Just trust me, you would have laughed your ass off at seeing me drunk. Speaking of drunk, do you think I could really get fired if I put rum in my pepsi and got totally fucking hammered while on the job? I'm hoping that I just get a tiny "hey, don't do that" but I have an aching feeling that it might land me in a position to look at a corkboard everyday next to Daryl, Darryll and Larry looking for construction jobs. oh what fun we would have, holding hands, laughing at the funny pattern the push pins make...good times.

Last night was hard but I got through it. "He" had been saying for the past 2 months that he wanted to possibly date, see where it went. But I'm ready to move on...I don't want to go through the same crap again. Well last night he told me that he talked to him mom and she said she could watch "little man" sometime next week. So now He wants to go out but I just don't know if I can. It's not like I can't stand being in the same room with him and normal dinner without all the implications wouldn't bother me a bit. But that is the thing. There are implications, and that opens up possibilities. But I just don't think I can do it. What makes it worse?? Our Anniversary is on Monday. I'm already dreading it...I've been putting off dealing with it because I just don't have the energy right now. I really don't. I was reminiscing last night. I found a box of pictures and as I was flipping through I found a pic of my HOT ex "T". omg was he amazing. Unfortunately he was cursed with the man gene which prohibits a man from talking about what he really feels/wants/needs in a relationship. We made GREAT friends though and I really miss him. Okay I'll be honest...I miss the amazing mind blowing sex that we had as "Friends w/Benefits". Holy shit that was HOT! I mean FUCKING HOT! I did try to get back in touch with him and left him a "breezy" message but I suppose he wasn't interested because he never called me back. His loss, cause I'm amazing! I had my ortho appointment today and got an X-ray. He said my pallatte has healed quite well and I am getting my first brackets on in 6-8 weeks!!! YES! As soon as my front top teeth start to come together and are in a more stable position than I can get this damn expander out...I'll be able to talk normal again!!! And most importantly, I can go out and rock some karaoke and not sound like I'm really the "slow" boy in the damn "Ding fries are done" video that always circulates around Christmas time. Did I mention that I'm SUPER EXCITED??? Wow I really can't wait to see how great my teeth look when this is all done. 'Bout time I do something for me! I would love to write more but I'm effin swamped at work right now. They took my Rachel away and her work was "divvied"...but I'm one of the few that already knows how to do everything that she did so I get stuck with it for now. Great...good times.